


The Rum Club

by FOSHIZZLEPIE



Series: The Rum Club [1]
Category: How I Met Your Mother, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 09:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1422403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FOSHIZZLEPIE/pseuds/FOSHIZZLEPIE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when dwarfs and hobbits butt heads. Will they become friends or foes. The adventures of the Rum Club will decide!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dun dun DUNNN!

**Author's Note:**

> Prepare to stretch your funny bone to places it's never been. I try and stay light hearted. Comments are much appreciated! Enjoy!

Barnicus, a.k.a Barney, had just conquered yet another dwarf maiden when he came upon Robin the coveted hobbit beauty that had been adopted by some hippie dwarf’s. 

“Yo Robin! I’d sit in your nest.”

She ignored him, hips swaying, with her neatly combed feet marking a sure path away from him. Barincus tugged on his short blond beard thinking about how he could totally get better dwarf babes even though she was a top notch potato in the hobbit world.

“Hey Barney!” Theodore, a.k.a. Ted, called from across the Iron Hill Plaza.

Barney ran over to Ted, “Number thirty seven!” Barney yelled. They high fived.

“You've slept with thirty seven dwarves? Not even sure if I've seen that many in my lifetime,” Ted replied looking at his hand as if it had betrayed him.

“They live deep beneath the forge,” Barney said nonchalantly.

Ted started walking and Barney followed. “Sounds sketchy. Was that Robin you were talking to?”

“Yeah, just keeping up appearances with the ladies,” Barney replied.

Ted grabbed Barney’s shoulder and whispered, “I've hear she’s into blue French horns guys, if you know what I mean.”

“What’s that?”

“Elves man. She’s into sexy giants with leaves in their hair.”

“Ew, what a waste.”

“I know right,” Ted agreed.

The Rum Club was having a meeting this week in Boulder Hall and Barney and Ted couldn't miss another meeting.  
“Hurry up bro,” Barney said taking the stairs two at a time.

They made it through the iron doors right as the meeting began. Lillian, a.k.a Lilly, and Marshall waved them over to a table they had saved near the middle of the room. Basically Rum Club consisted of drinking and brawls. It was very popular in the dwarven community.

The party was already well on its way to being a bomb diggity time when the iron doors creaked open and another slipped in. The room froze in a rippling effect from door to bar as they realized who had just poked their nose in. It was Robin the Hobbit.

“Get out of here! You’re not wanted,” a young Gimli called. 

Suddenly, as was the dwarvish nature, there was an uproar of people telling the hobbit to get out of Rum club.

“You’re too short!”

“Get some!”

“Betcha she can’t even hold her liquor!”

“SHUT UP!” 

The room hushed as Robin took a step forward.

"I challenge your best drinker to a contest of wills.”

Silence, then a whisper spread throughout the room. “Him? She can’t possibly challenge him, let alone any of us. Don’t let her! Don’t let him accept!”

There was a scrap of a bench as someone stood. “I accept.”

“And your name?” Robin asked.

“Bombur.”


	2. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blubber against feet fur the contest has begun. How will Robin the hobbit fair in a drinking contest against Bombur?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We travel furthur into the realm centered around The Rum Club. Does Barney like Robin the hobbit? Or does Ted? Or perhaps Lily? Comments and suggestions are appreciated!

Robin the hobbit slammed down her seventh shot glass on the table, facedown and empty.

“Seeeeveen,” She slurred triumphantly.

The crowd was silent but somehow everyone in the room had managed to circle around the small table where Bombur and Robin sat.

Bombur scoffed. “I’m not even started hobbit. But fair you well.”

Bomber pounded three shot’s, slamming the glasses to the table. He sat back with a gleam in his eye, arms crossed against his round belly.

Barney stared from the background. Both Barney and Ted had opted to stay away from the match. “Why are there never any babes here?” He grumbled into his drink.

Ted sat across from him cupping an ale. “Lily’s here practically every meeting.”

“Naw man, the bro code says no.” Barney replied. He took another swig and pointed at the circle of dwarves. “She’s totally going to lose.”

Ted nodded. “It’s kinda hot though. Even if we know how it’ll end.”

“Ohh, Ted’s got the hot’s for Robin the hobbit!” Barney said laughing maniacally, barely avoiding falling out of his seat.

“DO not!” Ted retorted. “You do!”

This banter went on for some time between Ted and Barney but it was incredibly boring and predictable so we return to the drinking match between the Hobbit and the beast.

“Fifteen shots everybody!” Lily screamed. Lily fanned herself. “That is so –“ 

“Seventeen!” Bombur roared drowning out the surrounding chatter that had grown around the two players. He neatly set down two more glasses onto his third shot glass pyramid.

Barely concealed “whispers” went around the room. At this point the dwarves surrounding the circle were just as drunk as the two in the middle and bet’s had begun, which included the whole club in merriment.

“That has to be some sort of record.”

“There’s no way she can beat that.”

“She’s tiny! Where does it all go?”

Suddenly Robin jumped up from her seat and stood on her chair. She wobbled for a second, then with a shake of her head she found her balance.

“This has gone on long enough! We must take a different course of action to decide how to end this!”

The crowd roared in approval.

“What… do… you… pro…pose…?” Bombur asked. His cheeks were pink and his brow had begun to dampen.

“We settle it with fiah!” Robin yelled fist pumping the air. She nearly toppled from her perch but managed to stay on.

The room hushed. Marshall stepped from the crowd. “Um Robin? What exactly does that mean?”

“It means!” Robin said harshly, “Wow I didn’t know you had a twin.”

Marshall peered closer at Robin. “Are you sure you want to continue? I mean, I obviously don’t have a twin.”

Robin pointed. “That guy has the same exact raggedy beard as you do. Wait,” She shook her head. “Nevermind.”

Lily pushed her way next to Marshall to console him for the beard insult and so she could hear the little hobbit better. “What do you mean, settle it with fiah?”

Robin hiccupped. “Clearly it means we need to drink five more shots, run around the room once, sit back in our chair, drink one more shot, spit in the empty glass, and throw it into the FIAH!”

“She’s saying fire isn’t she?” Marshall asked Lily.   
Lily shrugged and pulled Marshall back into the circle by his hand. “Come on, I have bets that Robin will ralf after three more shots and that Bombur will face plant when he stands up.”

“We shall settle it with fiah!” Bombur agreed thumping his huge meaty hands on the table.

The crowd cheered and a slow chant began to build. “Fi-ah. Fi-ah.”

Balin poured ten more glasses of their cheapest wiskey. “Careful now, don’t want to be taking care of either one of you later.”

Bombur and Robin gave one last glassy eyed glare to the other and it began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw yeah baby! Who do you think will win the drinking contest and will Lily get money on her bets?


	3. Who Will Win?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the final round before the best drinker of all in the Iron Hills is decided. Despite Robin being a hobbit she has guts but Bombur the biggest and the true connoisseur of food and drink meets her at every challenge with energy to boast. Who shall take the title?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa. That was definitly fun to write and a little intense. Hope you enjoy. Or not. Whatevs. JK! I love all y'all who've been reading! But back to the story. WIll Bombur take the title or will tiny insignificant Robin the hobbit take it all?

Robin downed the shots one after the other ignoring the burn as the amber liquid raced down her throat, burning like a racing fiah! Redundancy! 

Bombur could feel the heat of the air. It felt sticky with sweat. Dwarf sweat, which is way worse than normal sweat. Because let’s face it, it kind of collects in all that body hair, steaming and waiting to kill unsuspecting sniffers.

The crowd was going nuts: their excitement was almost palpable on the air, like a tangy Valencia orange. Full of excitement and zestyness! It was a real party this week in Rum Club.

Bombur shot up from the table sending his chair flying back into the crowd. Dwarves went down like bowling pins.  
“Ten points to Gryffindor!” Lily screamed. 

She had a manic look in her eye that you knew wasn’t going to lead to puppies and rainbows, but rather axes and hard metal rock!

Bombur started running and the crowd parted willingly. His chubby little arms pumped at his side and from behind he looked like a cute little waddling duckling.

Robin got up a millisecond after Bombur and followed in his wake through the crowd. She could feel the warm flush in her cheeks and new she wouldn’t last much longer. Robin was close to passing Bombur but a group of dwarves suddenly blocked her off from the side so she could only run right behind him. 

The two passed Ted and Barney’s table. Ted and Barney stared at the young attractive hobbit. A ring of light haloed Robin’s luscious brunette locks. Drool ensued from the two rival dwarves onto their short braided beards. Then she passed and they snapped out of it, looking confused and a little ashamed at their reactions.

The competitors were three quarters around the room and Bombur had begun a battle cry that echoed through the dwarves. Lily and Marshall especially were loudest.

Suddenly as if a great dwarven king had commanded it to be so an opening occurred just to the left of Bombur. Robin, with her stealthy hobbit instincts, darted for the opening and was in the lead. The battle cry didn’t lessen as she passed Bombur but became louder and more enthused. An unexpected feeling of acceptance rushed through Robin. She threw her fist in the air and echoed their cry.

Bombur knew if he didn’t do something this moment Robin would win. The crowd had given her enough encouragement to get past the effects of the dwarven liquor. He rushed back into the crowd just behind Robin going for the chairs. One last burst of speed, he thought. He concentrated on channeling his pork roast and potato dressed afternoon snack into speed. His stubby legs went just a hair faster and he came almost close enough to tough Robin’s flowing hair. 

Out of nowhere the ground rose at Bombur’s face. His big toe had caught on a loose floor board. This was it. The hobbit would win. His full poundage slammed into the ground causing wood to crack and silence to fall. Everything moved slowly as Bombur lay there. It was only a moment but it lasted a thousand painful heartbeats.

“NOOOOO!” Bombur roared. “I will not be defeated!”

His voice shook the hall and Robin stumbled as she reached her chair from the force of it. Bombur leapt faster than any had seen before including himself. The crowd gasped and one even fainted at the sheer amazingness.

His footsteps thundered and Bombur sat down in his chair just as Robin did. Clouded fear flashed through Robin’s eyes like lightening. She spared no time however, to fear defeat. Balin had already poured the last shot and Robin and Bombur downed them in the same moment.  
Lily was practically hyperventilating at this point. She grasped Marshall’s arm so tightly she ripped a few manly hairs out. Marshall was too involved in the competition he wouldn’t notice his missing arm hair until much later. Ted and Barney had joined the crowd and stood with wide eyes tugging on their beards in anticipation. Even Gimli was enjoying himself. He   
happily commanded the other’s to clear a path so the two could get a clear shot towards the fireplace.

Who would win? Who would gain the glory? The honor? The status of top drinker amongst the dwarves in the Iron Hills? Who would it be?

The alcohol seared the flesh in their throats. Sweat dripped from their brows into their eyes and stung. The sweat of the room beat at them smelling of excitement and anticipation. The acrid taste clung to their taste buds and Robin licked her lips to relieve them of dryness. Each heartbeat of every dwarf pounded in synchronized expectancy.

Bombur spit into his glass but his mouth had gone dry. His feat before had caught up to him and it had taken all the breath out of him. There was no saliva to complete is last task before the final throw. He glanced up and stared in horror as Robin spit a clean gob into her glass. She threw it clumsily but with force. In that moment he knew. He had been defeated by the hobbit. His head fell slowly to the table and he let himself go. A millisecond before his skull cracked into the table he relinquished consciousness and felt no pain.

Robin’s glass sailed across the room headed directly towards the fireplace. The room held its breath as every eye watched the tiny shot glass. It flew glinting in the light from the fire like a kaleidoscope. The colors flashed across the captivated faces of the dwarves and the hobbit. 

The room became completely silent and breathless as the glass crashed into the stone of the mantel. The pieces clung to the stone, slowly sliding down, and Robin’s head fell to her hands as she realized she had failed. It had missed the fire. That was it. She had lost.

Murmurs went through the gathering.

“What does it mean?”

“Who won?”

Gimli stepped forward. “It doesn’t matter, Robin made it the farthest.” Robin felt a hand on her hand and then she looked to see Gimli. “The Winner.” He raised her hand into the air and the Rum Club went ballistic. Hoots, hollers, catcalls, everyone celebrated. Everyone except Bombur who was sleeping peacefully and dreaming of towers of succulent feasting food.

Robin looked towards Gimli and he gave a toothy smile that made his well-cared for beard waggle. She smiled back and Gimili couldn’t help but stare at how it transformed her already pretty face into something brilliant. It was at that moment that Robin’s stomach churned and she upchucked all over Gimili’s impressive beard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting this. But it happened. Go ahead and leave your reaction in the comments. If you dare to share!

**Author's Note:**

> Did you enjoy it? Did you laugh? Cry? Fall to the floor in hysterics. Grumpy Cat face it? Leave a comment!


End file.
